Aliens by Brendan Ryan

Space is great; I think the whole world should concentrate more efforts on both going there and putting things in it. It has been pretty well decided by the earth that we have to learn how to live elsewhere eventually and that at some point one of many things is going to go wrong and the earth won’t be as inhabitable. A lot of people believe that aliens already live out there and sometimes come to earth, and that there are flying saucers that zip around earth trying to avoid detection. I have to call shenanigans on this for a couple of reasons, one being that if there really were super intelligent aliens out there, what do they want with us? To ants on the sidewalk, we are all super intelligent beings, but never ever, do I see someone spending time trying to communicate with them. If they are actually awesome enough to do manned space exploration several light-years away then they probably have little interest hanging out with the species who invented edible panties.

The universe is gigantic, and I would say it’s a pretty safe bet that there is a lot of other intelligent life out there. But really, if they are smarter than us, they probably don’t want to meet us and if they are dumber than us then they don’t know how to meet us. John Hodgman gives a presentation wherein he jokes of all the signs that aliens have already come to earth and are currently using us as sex slaves in pyramids somewhere far away.

John Hodgman

Given than everyone is afraid of change it is probably a good thing that aliens don’t come knocking all the time. I mean, it took Europeans like forever just to learn to get along with black people, I cant imagine how long it would take everyone to learn to get along with aliens. There would probably be wars and just a lot of general division if there was ever a formal introduction between aliens and humans, I would recommend we put off the meeting for a long as possible just to be safe.

ABSTRACT

It is well understood that the killer bee is spreading north and will soon invade North America. The killer bee is a man made killer, cooked up in a lab and now this born killer has escaped and spread out of control. Meanwhile the world is losing one third of its bee colonies per year and one third of our food depends on those bees for pollination. We need the bees for survival but a new breed of killers are on their way, we need a method of coexisting. Have you ever seen a movie or show about the future? Why do they all seem to have uniforms in the future? I suggest a color coded and scented uniform that will render all civilians virtually invisible to bees. We can survive right under their noses while they pollinate our crops, at least until the bee population crisis is under control.

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